Knights and dames in Abbott Land

Titles are designed to put one person higher than another, reinforcing the notion that somehow some people are better than others. They invariably always turn out to be wealthy, educated and white.

Tim Gooden Geelong Advertiser News Limited 31 March 2014

Nobody told me Game of Thrones was starting early this year.

Wonderful to hear King Abbott pronounce the return of titles, especially after Sir Joseph of the Coffers recently declared the end of entitlements. I guess he was only referring to us common folk.

But we don't have to worry too much because peasants and workers don't receive knighthoods. Can you imagine Sir Timothy Francis Gerald Gooden the sixth? No, I thought not.

Titles are designed to put one person higher than another, reinforcing the notion that somehow some people are better than others.

They invariably always turn out to be wealthy, educated and white.

Title or not, rich or poor - we all bleed red.

Don't worry - insults have been deemed acceptable by Sir Brandis the Bigot. In the interests of free speech, we can now express our well-thought out opinions by insulting people.

Three cheers for the king, I say!

Now I want you to take this seriously because Baroness Bishop banned laughing in the Court of Abbott and exiling any Labor Party barbarian who so much as cracks a smile.

I am an avid archer and have a special interest in medieval archery. While scouring the pages of medieval history texts I often come across acceptable insults the Court of Abbott could use:

"What didst thou say, thou half-witted, ruttish (boring) dolt?"

And in reply: "Wouldst thou match wits with me, thou whey-faced, roguish paltonier (liar)? I see thou'rt unarmed for such a contest."

Actually, come to think of it, insults like these would only improve parliamentary debates.

But back in the 21st century we're still waiting for the NBN. I guess only a murder of crows will bring news now.

Forget the forests - cutting them down is in the national interest. The boats? Spending all the treasury gold on towing them back to poorer fiefdoms is the go. An inquisition has been called for those who dare make an oath to each other rather than the crown - Tolpuddle Martyrs and unions ring a bell.

And finally, not one part of the kingdom has been spared the exchequer's knife. Public servants and services to the common folk are to be no more. But fear not, thee peasants, for Abbott Land still has a great future.

Queen Rinehart of the West is opening a new hole in the ground for workers to toil in. And Prince Paul Howes the First is seeking new liege lords to lick their boots.

Hear ye, hear ye, the peasants have taken to the streets in their thousands for March in March.

They will revolt once the regent's steward shares out the gold pieces and lifts taxes in May.

Winter is coming and people will not sit back and watch their families starve while rich courtiers arrange their next travel allowance rort.

And just in case King Abbott reintroduces Latin classes, start practising with the words on the front of Geelong Trades Hall - Labor Omnia Vincit (Workers together will conquer all).

Tim Gooden is Geelong Trades Hall Council secretary